Paper Edit Summary

 

 

            Positive points: 

 

1.     You cover all the major topics within Book XII, God, the act of creation, heaven/wisdom, formless matter, earth, the firmament, and time.

 

2.     You have some strong "mic drop" moments such as "as soon as it begins, it is." and "God wills and what he wills is." 

 

3.     Your word choice is simple

 

 

            Things to work on: 

 

1.     While your language is not confusing, the way you phrase many of your sentences is, take for example this sentence: 

 

"Whether these days are literal or not is beside the point, since the fact that the creation is divided into days, and that everything came to be all at once within Creation, rather, he must have meant that it all came to be outside creation, since God is outside creation and is the source of it."

 

 

2.     Make sure you are telling more showing. Make an effort to not only summarize what Augustine claims, but also how he justifies his claims, you do this well in a number of sections but some parts feel unsubstantiated like when you say "Thus, since heaven's heaven was created first, before all time, the angels are beings beyond time" but you never give evidence for why this is the case. I recommend collecting more sources to sources to support your points, specifically sources not written by St. Augustine. 

 

 

 

3.     Make sure your topics are segregated to their own paragraphs (God's attributes, characteristics of formless matter, etc.), don't let these topic spill over into the next group of topics. It's fine to reference previous points as long as they are relevant to the issue you're currently tackling, but it's confusing when you jump around from topic to topic. 

 

 

 

 

4.     Consider developing a more definitive thesis/theme, it's easier to follow a paper when we know what the author is trying to say and how each point fits into that goal. When I read your paper I understood that it follows the text of Genesis, but it still felt untethered.

 

 

 

I recommend more research and exploration of Book XII, the more familiar you are with the text the easier it will be to distil Augustine's meaning. Then I recommend going through and rephrasing overcomplicated sentences and reorganizing topics as needed. Finally, substantiate your claims with other sources. While I advise working on the format and grammar, you really need to fix the underlying framework of the paper, make it flow smoothly, come across clearly, and conclude in a way that ties everything up, giving the reader a sense of finality. 

 

 

 

Other Notes:

 

 

·      You don't explain that heaven and angels are outside of time because they always adore and look upon God, and therefore "approache his eternity. 

 

·      The CMOS requires page numbers.

 

·      Make sure your statements logically follow the evidence you deliver, especially when you say "thus" and "therefore." For example, you say "Thus, God, the Origin, precedes Creation, the Creature in the order of priority, meaning He is eternal and not His Creation." God preceding his creation does not make him eternal, but if you were only trying to say that since creation has a beginning it is not eternal, then make that clear to your readers. 

 

·      If your quotes contain unnecessary information, be sure to trim them. 

 

·      Consider removing terms like "we" which can make your paper sound casual.